Off Day

(Ultimate Lou is on taking a break. Filling in for today is his dog, Minnie.)

Arf! Arf! Arf! Oops, sorry, I forgot my master told me I was writing for philly fans so I was told to use small words. Didn’t mean to confuse you.
So after my master took me for my daily walk and gave me the command “PHIILLY”, I took a dump. We continued walking and we saw someone trying to break into someone house. He gave me the command “PHIILY FAN” so I ran and bit the guy in the nuts.
I have some great toys to play with. I have my squeaky bone that I like to tease my master with. I’ll grab it and run to him then run away. He can’t catch me since I’m so fast and he’s chunky like a donut. {Hey, bad dog!} Sorry, I meant he suffered an injury playing sports years ago. {OK, here’s a treat.} I also have my teddy bear that was with me since the day he brought me home. No eyes and smelly but it’s mine. And then there is this ugly green looking thing with a “P” on the front. So on the first day I got him, that’s exactly what I did: I pee’d on it. He got mad and washed it and gave it back to me. I pee’d on it again. So now it sits outside. It can rain, storm or whatever and it stays outside. It’s covered in mud. When I get punished, I usually go out and start ripping into it. I already chewed off the hat and that ugly thing that looks like a snake tongue. When he wants to train me attack someone all he has to say is “GET THE PHANATIC”, I run and grab it and we start a game of “RIP THE PHILLY FAN”. I love that game.
Like I said earlier, I bite male philly fans in the nuts. With female fans, I usually just start yanking their leg hair. Wow, they are hairier than me. I just growl at little kids, it’s not their fault their parents are dumb. Maybe they’ll grow out of it. Maybe I’ll get to bite them when they’re older.
I should talk about sports now but the only thing I understand when I look at the Philthidelphia Inquirer sports section is that it’s there for me to take a dump. I think that’s called recycling.
Well, it’s been fun but I need to chase some squirrels out of the back yard. Oh, dam, there’s that ugly green thing again. I thought I had buried it. Now the squirrels won’t come in the yard. Maybe if I cover it completely with a long nice dump pile…

Ultimate Minnie