Reality Check

Hi everyone, my name is Lou but you can call me by my secret identity name, Ultimate Lou. I plan to be the ultimate pain in your ass. Why? I’m a Met fan. And the only thing that I believe are lower than slugs crawling on crap (Yankee fans) are philly slugs…crawling on glass. But enough of the pleasantries, let’s get down to it.

It’s time for a reality on check. For the last 3 years, philly has been suffering from a bad case of diarrhea of the mouth. Here’s why: In 2007, when the Mets (I will admit it) choked, philthidelphia was given the division title. No, you didn’t win it; it was handed to you on a silver platter. Then you proceeded to piss it away as you got swept by the Rockies. (The Rockies?!...HAAAAAAAAA!!!!). In 2008, the Mets were on their way and suffered the unfortunate injury to our closer and a semi-choke happened. So who gets handed the division title again? The philthidelphia philthies. And this time, with no Joe Carter to face them (and no Mitch Williams to serve one up), they beat the Tampa Bay (Devil) Expansion Team That Got Lucky Rays. And in true philthy style, the fans celebrate the only way they know how: burning cars and looting. My favorite video is of the guy up on a lamppost and people are throwing beer bottles at him. When he gets clocked in the head and heads face down in the pavement, the cheers get even louder. Ah yes, philthie fans at their best. Let’s move on to 2009. Sportswriters all over the country pick the Mets to win. And sure enough, every star on the team seems to have a black cat cross them. (Must have a been one of those philly strays that they missed for their so-called cheese”cat”steak sandwiches). Lo and behold, gift-wrapped and put on phillys doorstep, another division title. Low and behold, they get bitch-slapped by their counter slugs, the Yank-mees. Here was to their chance to play in the toilet bowl of Yank-mee Stadium (vs. their outhouse in philly) and they get flushed by a team that has used more steroids than hoes have has johns.
So starts a new season of hope, promise and the search for the next 10,000 loses for the philthiedelphia philthies. Could this be the year you actually WIN the division? Or are you going to depend on another year of bad luck on the Mets part? Already, things are looking up for you. Beltran is out and between the lies from the Front Office and the Keystone Kop doctors, the philthies have another chance to cruise to an empty title to then: give it away in the first round, stumble in the next round or MAYBE beat the Indians? (Kinda like “duh” braves 1 World Series win against a team cursed never to win a WS).
So anyway, good luck…………sorry, I couldn’t stop laughing. I don’t mean that. You are a team so beneath us, which is why you’re not worth even putting a capital letter in front of your name.

written by Ultimate Lou